Through the incessant dripping of the rain on the roof I heard her car pull up. Seconds later I heard the knock and knew that she would be coming in. While I had been waiting for this moment for 6 weeks I was now at a crux; it turns out I do not know whether I actually want to see her, my hurt was still too raw.
6 weeks ago we had broken up, though in hindsight I knew that it was not us actually breaking up, rather it was her hearing an excuse that allowed her to do what she wanted to do, sleep with some guy she had a crush on for years. 6 weeks ago we had a conversation that had decidedly different meanings for both of us. Somehow my drunken comments about "not being sure whether this would work" or whether it was "something I could keep doing" were taken by her as me ending our relationship and thus giving her free reign to do whatever (or more appropriately, whomever) she wanted.
That should have told me something; that instead of hearing my comments and wanting to know why, to fight to change my mind or prove that it was worth it, she would rather have just jumped into bed with another. But I have found that I have a hard time grasping the obvious when it comes to issues of the heart.
How had I gotten to this point? How was it that I was now much closer to 40 than 30 and still as befuddled about life and love as I was when I was 13? Perhaps it had to do with my innate trusting nature, I have always given people the benefit of the doubt, always fallen for the lies and the excuses. And while I do realize that my perspective on life and people has grown over the last 23 years, that I am not still some pimply faced boy embarrassed to say even two words to a pretty girl, I am still left to wonder how or why it is that my heart has not yet caught up with my brain (or, more accurately, why my brain is still so heavily influenced by my heart).
The collapse of this relationship, especially with the way it played out, reinforced for me everything I had feared. I was little more than a distraction, a play toy to be used or discarded whenever she saw fit. Though I don't doubt the emotions behind the professed love, I was now left to wonder the actual depths her heart actually held, and for how long I had been cascading down the ladder of things important to her.
6 weeks ago she had broken my heart and then just vanished, barely to be seen or heard from again save for a random phone call or text. And though I know my anger, hurt and sadness did not help, I have a hard time fathoming that someone who actually cared would not push through the verbal tirades, if only to prove that they did indeed care.
But, in the end, I suppose this could just be karma coming around and kicking me in the ass. For as much as I have been hurt by this relationship, I cannot help but be reminded that my last relationship was, at least loosely, the other side of the same coin.
Before the girl now idling her car in vacant spot she parked in for 3 months, I had broken the heart of an incredible girl because I knew a deeper and more painful heartbreak lurked down the road. And though I tried to explain the why of my decision behind breaking this poor girl's heart, that it made more sense to me to end something I knew was not not going to work out, words are just that, words.
But I tried anyways. And though explaining this to her, much less to others, was incredibly difficult, I knew it had to be done, and assumed that this was a normal thing. I am now reminded that what is normal for one is plaid pants and a striped shirt for another.
Who knows, maybe it was because I started this last relationship within a month of ending my previous one, or maybe it is just me grasping at something, anything, to understand it, but I cannot help but picture some long dead Buddhist monk chuckling slightly at my expense.
But then, I did it to myself. I knew a year ago that this girl was still holding on to the ideal of a man she revered so naively and I (even more naively) thought that I would just enjoy the moment. I saw this as a chance to enjoy life a bit, and thought that I had done a great job of keeping myself protected.
But the heart doesn't always work in synchronicity with the brain, in fact, it is a rarity when they do (at least with me). No matter how hard I attempt to avoid it, a level of emotional connection to someone I spend endless hours with is impossible for me to bypass, much less suppress. Turns out not everyone is like me.
And so I sit on the couch and listen as she enters my house for the third time in six weeks. I am finally past much of the hurt and anger and wait here hoping I can just sit and listen; that during this conversation I can grasp some better understanding of what happened and, from there, find a better way to move on.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Life
Life. Such an interesting word. It has so many meanings, slants and takes that one could get lost solely in the debate of what exactly constitutes one's interpretation of life.
On the basest level life is just that, living. In this context one can focus readily on the biological: moving, breathing, surviving; the hyperphysical: feeling, tasting, touching, sensing; or the psychological: the daily decisions that create for each individual an existence so unique that no two people will ever live identical lives.
No two lives are ever the same, each unique journey is shaped not only by the experiences we feel sense and think about, but, more resolutely, by how we, as individuals, interpret the world around us. These interpretations encompass not only the physical sense of the world, but also how that world interacts and reacts to the wake we leave behind us during our journey. It is these interpretations that give us our perspective of what our life means.
Life is still something I am trying to make sense of as I wander, often lost in wonderment about my place and my role within the grand scheme of the countless lives bouncing along around me.
In this life I have been accused of being overly sensitive by the same people who call me incapable of emotion. I have hated on the greed while finding myself scheming for my slice of the pie. I have at times thought up was down and down was up, and argued voraciously for my skewed view to be not only understood but embraced.
Life is like that, constantly changing, yet resolutely the same from day to day. The sun will always rise in the East and set in the West, but never will any artist capture two identical sunsets. Though the lights and the colors playing off the the clouds and the skies may look absolutely identical to one, to another, the differences in tone and temperament are as different as the rising sun in winter versus fall.
Embracing this understanding is sometimes a difficult thing for me, yet it is so readily graspable that I wonder how my inner debate still rages. I am envious of those individuals who are capable of seeing the view for what it is, beautiful and simple; for these people the opposites that comprise life cause nothing more that interesting fodder for simple debates.
I envy them because, for them, these debates never reach the crescendo of a winter storm's waves crashing over a bulkhead like mine do. I envy them because they are a able to skim along the surface, never fully knowing (or perhaps never really caring) about what lurks beneath the surface. A life like this, devoid of too deep a thought, would be so simple.
I guess these thoughts are spurned by the fact that I am balancing precipitously close to the edge of that downward sprint that is "over the hill". It is this sprint that scares me, life has already flown by, how much faster can it get?
And so I am left with questions as I try to decide on my next step. Where should I step towards next, and how am I to know that not only it is the right direction, but along the correct path?
I guess that is the journey, as it is better to choose something and let your own perspectives tell you whether it was the right choice than to sit around in feigned comfort. I need to do a better job of actually experiencing the many facets that comprise life on an actual physical level, rather than just playing scenarios over and over in my mind about what it might be like.
Time to take a dive into the deep end. Just need to be sure I have my trunks tied on tightly.
On the basest level life is just that, living. In this context one can focus readily on the biological: moving, breathing, surviving; the hyperphysical: feeling, tasting, touching, sensing; or the psychological: the daily decisions that create for each individual an existence so unique that no two people will ever live identical lives.
No two lives are ever the same, each unique journey is shaped not only by the experiences we feel sense and think about, but, more resolutely, by how we, as individuals, interpret the world around us. These interpretations encompass not only the physical sense of the world, but also how that world interacts and reacts to the wake we leave behind us during our journey. It is these interpretations that give us our perspective of what our life means.
Life is still something I am trying to make sense of as I wander, often lost in wonderment about my place and my role within the grand scheme of the countless lives bouncing along around me.
In this life I have been accused of being overly sensitive by the same people who call me incapable of emotion. I have hated on the greed while finding myself scheming for my slice of the pie. I have at times thought up was down and down was up, and argued voraciously for my skewed view to be not only understood but embraced.
Life is like that, constantly changing, yet resolutely the same from day to day. The sun will always rise in the East and set in the West, but never will any artist capture two identical sunsets. Though the lights and the colors playing off the the clouds and the skies may look absolutely identical to one, to another, the differences in tone and temperament are as different as the rising sun in winter versus fall.
Embracing this understanding is sometimes a difficult thing for me, yet it is so readily graspable that I wonder how my inner debate still rages. I am envious of those individuals who are capable of seeing the view for what it is, beautiful and simple; for these people the opposites that comprise life cause nothing more that interesting fodder for simple debates.
I envy them because, for them, these debates never reach the crescendo of a winter storm's waves crashing over a bulkhead like mine do. I envy them because they are a able to skim along the surface, never fully knowing (or perhaps never really caring) about what lurks beneath the surface. A life like this, devoid of too deep a thought, would be so simple.
I guess these thoughts are spurned by the fact that I am balancing precipitously close to the edge of that downward sprint that is "over the hill". It is this sprint that scares me, life has already flown by, how much faster can it get?
And so I am left with questions as I try to decide on my next step. Where should I step towards next, and how am I to know that not only it is the right direction, but along the correct path?
I guess that is the journey, as it is better to choose something and let your own perspectives tell you whether it was the right choice than to sit around in feigned comfort. I need to do a better job of actually experiencing the many facets that comprise life on an actual physical level, rather than just playing scenarios over and over in my mind about what it might be like.
Time to take a dive into the deep end. Just need to be sure I have my trunks tied on tightly.
Friday, August 13, 2010
I picked the wrong profession
Perhaps the fall of HP's less than beloved CEO, Mark Hurd, best illustrates what is wrong with our current state of economy. When Mark stepped into the role of CEO a few years ago there was no doubt HP's approach to business was short sighted at best, the company relied solely on its ink and cartridge line for its sustainability. Mark changed HP's focus, creating a more well rounded, and as he saw it, more stream-lined company that fast became No. 1 in the personal computer market, and made its shareholders very happy.
Mark Hurd is being given near $43 MILLION to leave HP. This makes me wonder what knowledge about his fellow executives or the company itself this man has that would make HP pay him to keep quite rather than just firing him for conduct unbecoming. No wonder HP's stock has dropped; based on this decision, one would have to assume Mark has intimate knowledge of many of his fellow executives whose practices of blank checks and limited culpability mirrored many of his own. Not a very good perception.
But there in lies the problem. In today's business world, perceived company value (that is, the money on paper Wall street calculates as a company's actual value) drives the bottom dollar. Top level executives no longer worry solely about profitability and business ethics, their role is, now more than ever, one of perception. If a company is perceived as a good investment, more people will throw their money into it. For some strange reason though, many top level executives think that this money is to be siphoned off by them first in the form of huge salaries and bonuses. For whatever reason, be it greed, selfishness, egotism, status, or a need for a 5th beach house, these top executives believe that their role in creating a more profitable company means that they should reap the benefits of this profit, even if this profit came at the expense of many of those hard working subordinates who either, unfortunately, lost their job, or, slight less fortunately, were able to keep their job, but were now forced to work 60-70 hour weeks doing the work of two or three people.
When Mark took over, his style of management was one of streamlining: massive layoffs and reduced pay and benefits across the board, but only of middle to lower level managers and the everyday workers that make the company go. Nothing within the top level executives was touched, in fact, during his reign, they all continued to see salary increases and bonuses, especially as the company was turned around and became profitable once again.
I wonder when the business world is ever going to see its bottom line driven by genuine caring about fellow workers and common sense rather than self indulgence, nepotism and greed. Simply put, if we truly want our economy to recover, consumer confidence needs to return, as this leads to the movement of inventory which creates more jobs and a competitive marketplace. The only way to do this is to ensure that ALL individuals share in the payroll, that the bulk of all payroll is not tied up in the top 10% of a company's employees. If you were to redistribute half of the top 10%'s salary to the lower level workers, everyone could afford a slightly nicer house, a better car, soccer and dance lessons, more groceries and even more long term investing.
Hopefully we can learn from HP's fiasco; though looking at how we got here in the first place, and how very little has changed within the world of business, this is seemingly impossible. Who knows, maybe Mark will feel a little guilty and send each of the 14,500 employees he laid off a $2500 apology... This would still leave him well over $6 million dollars in buy out money.
Mark Hurd is being given near $43 MILLION to leave HP. This makes me wonder what knowledge about his fellow executives or the company itself this man has that would make HP pay him to keep quite rather than just firing him for conduct unbecoming. No wonder HP's stock has dropped; based on this decision, one would have to assume Mark has intimate knowledge of many of his fellow executives whose practices of blank checks and limited culpability mirrored many of his own. Not a very good perception.
But there in lies the problem. In today's business world, perceived company value (that is, the money on paper Wall street calculates as a company's actual value) drives the bottom dollar. Top level executives no longer worry solely about profitability and business ethics, their role is, now more than ever, one of perception. If a company is perceived as a good investment, more people will throw their money into it. For some strange reason though, many top level executives think that this money is to be siphoned off by them first in the form of huge salaries and bonuses. For whatever reason, be it greed, selfishness, egotism, status, or a need for a 5th beach house, these top executives believe that their role in creating a more profitable company means that they should reap the benefits of this profit, even if this profit came at the expense of many of those hard working subordinates who either, unfortunately, lost their job, or, slight less fortunately, were able to keep their job, but were now forced to work 60-70 hour weeks doing the work of two or three people.
When Mark took over, his style of management was one of streamlining: massive layoffs and reduced pay and benefits across the board, but only of middle to lower level managers and the everyday workers that make the company go. Nothing within the top level executives was touched, in fact, during his reign, they all continued to see salary increases and bonuses, especially as the company was turned around and became profitable once again.
I wonder when the business world is ever going to see its bottom line driven by genuine caring about fellow workers and common sense rather than self indulgence, nepotism and greed. Simply put, if we truly want our economy to recover, consumer confidence needs to return, as this leads to the movement of inventory which creates more jobs and a competitive marketplace. The only way to do this is to ensure that ALL individuals share in the payroll, that the bulk of all payroll is not tied up in the top 10% of a company's employees. If you were to redistribute half of the top 10%'s salary to the lower level workers, everyone could afford a slightly nicer house, a better car, soccer and dance lessons, more groceries and even more long term investing.
Hopefully we can learn from HP's fiasco; though looking at how we got here in the first place, and how very little has changed within the world of business, this is seemingly impossible. Who knows, maybe Mark will feel a little guilty and send each of the 14,500 employees he laid off a $2500 apology... This would still leave him well over $6 million dollars in buy out money.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Masoli: poster child for self-indulgent children
There is something very wrong with sports today. To be a professional athlete once meant that while you were capable of playing a child's game a level higher than the vast majority, you were still forced to hold down an off-season job in order to pay your bills. Today's sports, sadly, readily mirror politics and the dredges of society, where the almighty dollar rules supreme and its gifted players walk freely, able to do what they want when they want, with little or no fear of repercussion.
Throughout the course of history there have always been individuals above the law, above consequence, and above responsibility. It used to that the only way this was achieved was to buy your way in or be fortunate enough to be the offspring of one one already in power. It seems, in today's age, we have passed this free ticket off to our athletes.
The punishment laid down upon USC was just deserved, however, I find it unfathomable that Reggie Bush bears no brunt of it. Let's look at this hypothetically (and I use a hypothetical only because if it was not Reggie, some other athletic Adonis would have taken his place). If Reggie Bush was never born, would USC be looking at any sanctions going forward? The answer is no. So, how is it that USC is made to bear the full extent of the punishment, but Reggie is let off with a tarnish to his reputation, a tarnish that, given the world's love affair with athletes, will be close to forgiven once he scores his first touchdown this season. Is Reggie not a man, was he not he not old enough to know right from wrong?
If I had been arrested for having a role in stealing two laptops and a guitar from a fraternity, I would not be walking the street right now, much less driving a car and being pulled over by the cops only to be re-arrested not more than a couple of months later for possession and various other non-criminal violations. Somehow Jeremiah Masoli is better than all of us and is not only facing no jail time, but is allowed to transfer to Ole Miss to pursue what were, days ago, justifiably dead Heisman dreams.
I am smart enough to know that very little will ever change, money is the greatest corrupter the world will ever know, and athletes generate unfathomable amounts of it. Perhaps it is due to some inherent, latent desire to live our unfulfilled dreams out through our kids, our players, or our idols, or perhaps we are just in awe of athleticism, but I hope that one day society rears its collective voice and shouts "enough". That the masses ensure that all individuals are treated equally, that money and status no longer grant a reprieve, or worse, a license to do it all over again in a different region.
Every individual should be accountable for their own actions and, while the institution bears fault, focus more on the reason than the environment. Perhaps if this were the norm we would see our future athletes growing into respectful men and women rather than self indulgent children.
Throughout the course of history there have always been individuals above the law, above consequence, and above responsibility. It used to that the only way this was achieved was to buy your way in or be fortunate enough to be the offspring of one one already in power. It seems, in today's age, we have passed this free ticket off to our athletes.
The punishment laid down upon USC was just deserved, however, I find it unfathomable that Reggie Bush bears no brunt of it. Let's look at this hypothetically (and I use a hypothetical only because if it was not Reggie, some other athletic Adonis would have taken his place). If Reggie Bush was never born, would USC be looking at any sanctions going forward? The answer is no. So, how is it that USC is made to bear the full extent of the punishment, but Reggie is let off with a tarnish to his reputation, a tarnish that, given the world's love affair with athletes, will be close to forgiven once he scores his first touchdown this season. Is Reggie not a man, was he not he not old enough to know right from wrong?
If I had been arrested for having a role in stealing two laptops and a guitar from a fraternity, I would not be walking the street right now, much less driving a car and being pulled over by the cops only to be re-arrested not more than a couple of months later for possession and various other non-criminal violations. Somehow Jeremiah Masoli is better than all of us and is not only facing no jail time, but is allowed to transfer to Ole Miss to pursue what were, days ago, justifiably dead Heisman dreams.
I am smart enough to know that very little will ever change, money is the greatest corrupter the world will ever know, and athletes generate unfathomable amounts of it. Perhaps it is due to some inherent, latent desire to live our unfulfilled dreams out through our kids, our players, or our idols, or perhaps we are just in awe of athleticism, but I hope that one day society rears its collective voice and shouts "enough". That the masses ensure that all individuals are treated equally, that money and status no longer grant a reprieve, or worse, a license to do it all over again in a different region.
Every individual should be accountable for their own actions and, while the institution bears fault, focus more on the reason than the environment. Perhaps if this were the norm we would see our future athletes growing into respectful men and women rather than self indulgent children.
Faith healing
Yet another set of parents has been arrested following the death of their child, a death that was without question, avoidable. To walk the line between religion and common sense is a difficult one, part of the allure of religion is blind faith (something most cannot understand except when that belief is their own). Part of that allure as well is being told what to do as this lessens self responsibility, and many people join religion's whose doctrines are in line with their own beliefs. Obviously, the greater the numbers the stronger the reinforcement.
As I understand the premise of the Followers of Christ church, God is watching over us and will take care of us, all he needs is strong enough prayer to hear about the problem so it can be fixed. There is one major flaw within this belief, and I have a feeling God himself is banging his head against the wall over this one (and I use "him" as a simple qualifier, for all I know God many be a him, a her or an it and right now tearing out hair, scales, or spirit): If the belief is that God will hear your prayer and come down out of heaven and rectify the situation, what do you make of all of the "non-believers" whose kids are cured of the exact same malady as your children, cured not through prayer, rather cured because of their decision to go to a doctor or a hospital? Does God love those who do not pray more than you, why did he save their children, but not yours?
Perhaps it is more due to this: Every day the world evolves, every day something new is developed. If you believe in God, surely you believe that God gave you all of your strengths. If you believe in God, surely you believe in his infinite wisdom and can understand why we are not all exactly the same; a homogeneous world surely be a boring world. (Think about it, if we all were the same, going through life would be like watching yourself in the mirror every day and, unless you're a touch narcissistic, I'd be willing to bet you'd be bored within 15 minutes).
So, if God created all of us, gave us all strengths and differences, doesn't it make sense that God gave us medicine and those smart enough to heal? Doesn't it make sense that God gave us reasoning minds that want to make the world better around us, to help others as we help ourselves? Based upon this understanding, it makes sense that God knows he does not have to come down out of the heavens to cure our ill because he knows he created individuals who can do the necessary work.
So, I ask you to look deeply at your religion and its practices and ask a lot of the question why. Why does your pastor not want you to go to a doctor, would this make them and their church feel less valuable? Why do people believe in things that are different than your own thoughts, do these thoughts take away from your life or harm you, or do they maybe add some new perspective?
Our children are our future, the lessons we teach them every day, both good and bad, grow within their daily lives and mold them into who they as adults. It is my belief that the saddest lesson taught is when someone's decision takes away the life intended to learn these lessons.
As I understand the premise of the Followers of Christ church, God is watching over us and will take care of us, all he needs is strong enough prayer to hear about the problem so it can be fixed. There is one major flaw within this belief, and I have a feeling God himself is banging his head against the wall over this one (and I use "him" as a simple qualifier, for all I know God many be a him, a her or an it and right now tearing out hair, scales, or spirit): If the belief is that God will hear your prayer and come down out of heaven and rectify the situation, what do you make of all of the "non-believers" whose kids are cured of the exact same malady as your children, cured not through prayer, rather cured because of their decision to go to a doctor or a hospital? Does God love those who do not pray more than you, why did he save their children, but not yours?
Perhaps it is more due to this: Every day the world evolves, every day something new is developed. If you believe in God, surely you believe that God gave you all of your strengths. If you believe in God, surely you believe in his infinite wisdom and can understand why we are not all exactly the same; a homogeneous world surely be a boring world. (Think about it, if we all were the same, going through life would be like watching yourself in the mirror every day and, unless you're a touch narcissistic, I'd be willing to bet you'd be bored within 15 minutes).
So, if God created all of us, gave us all strengths and differences, doesn't it make sense that God gave us medicine and those smart enough to heal? Doesn't it make sense that God gave us reasoning minds that want to make the world better around us, to help others as we help ourselves? Based upon this understanding, it makes sense that God knows he does not have to come down out of the heavens to cure our ill because he knows he created individuals who can do the necessary work.
So, I ask you to look deeply at your religion and its practices and ask a lot of the question why. Why does your pastor not want you to go to a doctor, would this make them and their church feel less valuable? Why do people believe in things that are different than your own thoughts, do these thoughts take away from your life or harm you, or do they maybe add some new perspective?
Our children are our future, the lessons we teach them every day, both good and bad, grow within their daily lives and mold them into who they as adults. It is my belief that the saddest lesson taught is when someone's decision takes away the life intended to learn these lessons.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
My beliefs
God is real, but he (she, it, they) doesn't have a chosen path for us, nor a single religion that is the "true" or "right".
Everything happens for a reason, but quite often that reason is our own stupidity.
There is some, but very little, divine intervention. No amount of belief can free you from the fact that you have free will, and therefore the responsibility to know what you are choosing to do.
To truly love is the hardest thing in the world to do, to never try is the loneliest.
We all possess a soul, some are just more in tune with what it is telling them.
To kill in the name of religion is the biggest paradox in the world. All religions, at their core, speak of love, not hate.
Just because someone is different than you does not make them a potential enemy rather, it should make them a potential friend. The world would be incredibly boring if we all looked and acted the same.
Every human being has something to offer, telling someone they don't just makes it harder for them to realize what that something may be.
Taking advantage of others is the biggest crime a human can commit, you are telling that person that they do not matter and that you are better than they are. If you have the opportunity to take advantage of someone you have the same opportunity to help them realize and correct an area of weakness.
Money is, perhaps, the worst invention of all time. It turns people from a need based existence full of humanity into a want based one of self-gratification.
No amount of money, status, or power will ever fill the void in your soul, the warmth of a loved one's touch will do wonders though.
Everything happens for a reason, but quite often that reason is our own stupidity.
There is some, but very little, divine intervention. No amount of belief can free you from the fact that you have free will, and therefore the responsibility to know what you are choosing to do.
To truly love is the hardest thing in the world to do, to never try is the loneliest.
We all possess a soul, some are just more in tune with what it is telling them.
To kill in the name of religion is the biggest paradox in the world. All religions, at their core, speak of love, not hate.
Just because someone is different than you does not make them a potential enemy rather, it should make them a potential friend. The world would be incredibly boring if we all looked and acted the same.
Every human being has something to offer, telling someone they don't just makes it harder for them to realize what that something may be.
Taking advantage of others is the biggest crime a human can commit, you are telling that person that they do not matter and that you are better than they are. If you have the opportunity to take advantage of someone you have the same opportunity to help them realize and correct an area of weakness.
Money is, perhaps, the worst invention of all time. It turns people from a need based existence full of humanity into a want based one of self-gratification.
No amount of money, status, or power will ever fill the void in your soul, the warmth of a loved one's touch will do wonders though.
Writing, or a lack there of
I am not writing because I want to, not because I have to, nor because I am expected to; I am writing because I feel a innate opportunity slipping by. I watched "Into the Wild" and couldn't help but feel an intense sense of jealousy as well as a hand slapping me squarely in the face.
I went on a journey not too long ago, yet such a time has passed with little reflection upon the actually trip that its memory seems a lifetime ago. I returned from my trek renewed, so many of the questions I had been asking had been answered, but then a realization struck. In finding the answers to many of the thoughts pinging around in my brain I found that I now had so many more questions taking the place of those answered. And so I wonder, is that what life is about? Is life a journey of perpetual questions, a trek of unanswerable depth, or is this just a reality for those few unfortunate souls who truly wander?
When I say wander I am not just talking about the wandering of perpetual movement, no, sometimes one can wander more when the vehicle is only one's brain.
I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. This was never a concern until my dad passed away two and a half years ago. For some reason my life's calling up until then never touched on any real concern other than just to be, just live life. And so I have lived, my chosen life has been one of extreme ease. I have made a career of college, six years of classes, parties, and friends gave way to more classes in a campus a little farther south. For the past 16 years all I have known is a true or a pseudo college existence, and that was always okay.
The change in this I guess came with the realized mortality I guess, though I cannot help but think it runs a little deeper, delves more into the soul than that, has more to do with never really taking the time to connect with my father and having to watch him pass knowing I did nothing about it.
Soon after the anger, the anguish, the mourning passed I began to realize that living my life with no direction just felt wrong, it felt like I was wasting everything: any talent I may have, other people's money, my time, my life. But in that realization came another of greater depth: I knew not, nor trusted, my talents.
Throughout my life I have always marveled at how easy the world was, how simple living life was. I had always asked and received; my life was seldom rife with struggle. Recently I have noticed that life doesn't seem as easy and I wonder, is it me asking for more than I deserve, am I being told I need to work before I can be handed what I want, or and I simply not seeing the answers, too clouded in my own malaise, my own self-inflicted state of wander?
And so I choose to write. Not something I am good at, having to create, putting my thoughts down on to paper, because they seem so much clearer stuck in my head. My goal is my book. I am struggling with what to write, and how to start. I guess doing this after three months off is a start.
I went on a journey not too long ago, yet such a time has passed with little reflection upon the actually trip that its memory seems a lifetime ago. I returned from my trek renewed, so many of the questions I had been asking had been answered, but then a realization struck. In finding the answers to many of the thoughts pinging around in my brain I found that I now had so many more questions taking the place of those answered. And so I wonder, is that what life is about? Is life a journey of perpetual questions, a trek of unanswerable depth, or is this just a reality for those few unfortunate souls who truly wander?
When I say wander I am not just talking about the wandering of perpetual movement, no, sometimes one can wander more when the vehicle is only one's brain.
I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. This was never a concern until my dad passed away two and a half years ago. For some reason my life's calling up until then never touched on any real concern other than just to be, just live life. And so I have lived, my chosen life has been one of extreme ease. I have made a career of college, six years of classes, parties, and friends gave way to more classes in a campus a little farther south. For the past 16 years all I have known is a true or a pseudo college existence, and that was always okay.
The change in this I guess came with the realized mortality I guess, though I cannot help but think it runs a little deeper, delves more into the soul than that, has more to do with never really taking the time to connect with my father and having to watch him pass knowing I did nothing about it.
Soon after the anger, the anguish, the mourning passed I began to realize that living my life with no direction just felt wrong, it felt like I was wasting everything: any talent I may have, other people's money, my time, my life. But in that realization came another of greater depth: I knew not, nor trusted, my talents.
Throughout my life I have always marveled at how easy the world was, how simple living life was. I had always asked and received; my life was seldom rife with struggle. Recently I have noticed that life doesn't seem as easy and I wonder, is it me asking for more than I deserve, am I being told I need to work before I can be handed what I want, or and I simply not seeing the answers, too clouded in my own malaise, my own self-inflicted state of wander?
And so I choose to write. Not something I am good at, having to create, putting my thoughts down on to paper, because they seem so much clearer stuck in my head. My goal is my book. I am struggling with what to write, and how to start. I guess doing this after three months off is a start.
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