I started taking anti-depressants two weeks ago and have begun to wonder if it isn't a chemical imbalance I struggle with, rather, I think I am more comfortable in a negative place. It is comfortable for me to see everything from a perspective of negativity because everything seems to make more sense. Maybe it is because I am so accustomed to the melancholy, or maybe it is because the world (through my eyes) truly is a sad place.
I don't doubt that meds work, nor do I doubt that the ones I am currently on may take time to notice full affect, but I do wonder if I really want the help. Perhaps that is what is holding me back. I have had many days of extreme exuberance (and no, I know the symptoms of manic/depression and don't fit) and recall a day when life was not only easy, but when I truly cared about everyone around me and spent all of my hours getting to know everyone by finding out who they were and what they believed. I also know the exact time frame of when it all stopped. I know why the cloud came and what caused the current cycle of self-abuse, of negative emotion and thought, of melancholy and infinite sadness as Billy Corgan would say.
Too many people lean too heavily upon drugs to get them through life, not all of which are prescribed. I know the feeling, a desire to vanish, a desire to shut off the pain, to close down the mind's thought processes for a minute, a desire to remove oneself from the boredom or pain of life, if only just for an instant. I also know the pitfalls associated with a life of immediacy.
I am, through self-counseling, (not recommended by the way) and adhering to my medicinal calendar, working my way slowly back to the time of exuberance and ease. I know the journey is not an easy one, nor is it short. I just hope that along the way I learn more about myself and how I got to be who I am so I am more capable of true change along the way.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Friday, March 2, 2007
human nature
It is interesting, the transition from infant to adult. Especially interesting is how the perspectives of the world can change and be altered by the smallest thing, or by a perpetual state of misinformation. I saw a picture in The Oregonian yesterday of two Sumatran tigers cubs cuddling with two baby orangutans who, according to the caption, "would never be together in the wild, but have become inseparable playmates after they were abandoned by their mothers", and was struck by the sheer simplicity of childhood.
We grow up in a world that teaches us more to worry about our surroundings and be wary of those that are different than ourselves instead of seeing the world for what it can be, a place of peace, love and hope. Why do people become bad? What is it about their past that skews their minds to think it is acceptable to place harm upon another solely to satisfy a void in their own existence? At what point does one cease to understand their role in the cycle of pain and hurt? More importantly, what can be done to correct it?
Parents all know that children come into this world with different personalities. Take my best friend back East, Mark, and his two kids. Noah is five and one of the nerdiest, most intelligent and diplomatic kids you will ever meet. Sethy though, at three, is an absolute terror, vastly intelligent but always disruptive and pushing the envelope. I joke with Mark that his wife Shana and I had a fling; sadly I think he may one some level begin to believe me.
I assure you though that both of his kids came from the same set of parents, yet possess vastly different perspectives on the world, but who, because of the love and acceptance they receive at home, are, at their core belief, like-minded. These teachings come from Mark and Shana who, every day, work to expand the minds of their children to include and encompass everyone around them, to love and to be loved, to know and watch for trouble, but to expect good rather than bad.
Parents have such an amazing power over their kids, much more so than most can even fully grasp. I had an interesting conversation not long ago with my mother, a woman who's political views are righter than Rush. She argued with me that the war in Iraq was a good thing because "these people are going to keep coming for us. They hate us and will stop at nothing so we need to go in there and wipe every one of the terrorists out". I argued rather that we needed to go in and talk to their children, their parents and their leaders to change the perspective, otherwise we will be perpetually fighting a war that will have no end of willing volunteers (watching your mother and father die in front of you is a great motivator to avenge).
Think back to your own childhood and your interactions with your parents and the adults that surrounded you. What characteristics of yours can you trace directly to these interactions? A better question is what characteristics would you like to change? Now ask yourself if you are creating the same characteristics in your children, are you perpetuating the cycle, or breaking it in hopes that your kids will avoid many of the same pains in exchange for a better chance at the great joys life can bring?.
A child's mind is a tabula rosa of sorts, meant to be molded and shaped. Are we shaping love, or hate?
We grow up in a world that teaches us more to worry about our surroundings and be wary of those that are different than ourselves instead of seeing the world for what it can be, a place of peace, love and hope. Why do people become bad? What is it about their past that skews their minds to think it is acceptable to place harm upon another solely to satisfy a void in their own existence? At what point does one cease to understand their role in the cycle of pain and hurt? More importantly, what can be done to correct it?
Parents all know that children come into this world with different personalities. Take my best friend back East, Mark, and his two kids. Noah is five and one of the nerdiest, most intelligent and diplomatic kids you will ever meet. Sethy though, at three, is an absolute terror, vastly intelligent but always disruptive and pushing the envelope. I joke with Mark that his wife Shana and I had a fling; sadly I think he may one some level begin to believe me.
I assure you though that both of his kids came from the same set of parents, yet possess vastly different perspectives on the world, but who, because of the love and acceptance they receive at home, are, at their core belief, like-minded. These teachings come from Mark and Shana who, every day, work to expand the minds of their children to include and encompass everyone around them, to love and to be loved, to know and watch for trouble, but to expect good rather than bad.
Parents have such an amazing power over their kids, much more so than most can even fully grasp. I had an interesting conversation not long ago with my mother, a woman who's political views are righter than Rush. She argued with me that the war in Iraq was a good thing because "these people are going to keep coming for us. They hate us and will stop at nothing so we need to go in there and wipe every one of the terrorists out". I argued rather that we needed to go in and talk to their children, their parents and their leaders to change the perspective, otherwise we will be perpetually fighting a war that will have no end of willing volunteers (watching your mother and father die in front of you is a great motivator to avenge).
Think back to your own childhood and your interactions with your parents and the adults that surrounded you. What characteristics of yours can you trace directly to these interactions? A better question is what characteristics would you like to change? Now ask yourself if you are creating the same characteristics in your children, are you perpetuating the cycle, or breaking it in hopes that your kids will avoid many of the same pains in exchange for a better chance at the great joys life can bring?.
A child's mind is a tabula rosa of sorts, meant to be molded and shaped. Are we shaping love, or hate?
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