Anti-depressants

I started taking anti-depressants two weeks ago and have begun to wonder if it isn't a chemical imbalance I struggle with, rather, I think I am more comfortable in a negative place. It is comfortable for me to see everything from a perspective of negativity because everything seems to make more sense. Maybe it is because I am so accustomed to the melancholy, or maybe it is because the world (through my eyes) truly is a sad place.

I don't doubt that meds work, nor do I doubt that the ones I am currently on may take time to notice full affect, but I do wonder if I really want the help. Perhaps that is what is holding me back. I have had many days of extreme exuberance (and no, I know the symptoms of manic/depression and don't fit) and recall a day when life was not only easy, but when I truly cared about everyone around me and spent all of my hours getting to know everyone by finding out who they were and what they believed. I also know the exact time frame of when it all stopped. I know why the cloud came and what caused the current cycle of self-abuse, of negative emotion and thought, of melancholy and infinite sadness as Billy Corgan would say.

Too many people lean too heavily upon drugs to get them through life, not all of which are prescribed. I know the feeling, a desire to vanish, a desire to shut off the pain, to close down the mind's thought processes for a minute, a desire to remove oneself from the boredom or pain of life, if only just for an instant. I also know the pitfalls associated with a life of immediacy.

I am, through self-counseling, (not recommended by the way) and adhering to my medicinal calendar, working my way slowly back to the time of exuberance and ease. I know the journey is not an easy one, nor is it short. I just hope that along the way I learn more about myself and how I got to be who I am so I am more capable of true change along the way.