Though I meant it when I said that the easiest thing in the
world to do is to say hello, I do understand how scary this exact endeavor can
be. People are not always as kind or as
welcoming as we hoped they would be.
Just as we tend to anthropomorphize animals both real and inanimate,
we all often mistakenly forget that not everyone views the world the same way
we do. This projection can sometimes
make reality feel like it is crashing down around us.
It doesn’t have to be this way though. Realize that every person you see, no matter
how cool or popular they may pretend to be, is insecure at times. Everyone has walls and, no matter how
haphazard or irrational they may seem to you, it is not your job to forcefully attempt
to crash through them.
Start small. By
simply sharing a hello you are showing another person that you see them, that
they are indeed a part of your world. If
the person ignores you or, worse, treats you poorly, know that this is a
reflection of some innate character flaw they are battling with rather than a
judgment of you. Believe it or not, the
people who shun others based simply upon outward appearance are usually the
ones battling the heaviest insecurities.
Every person in the world wants to be loved; every person
wants to know that they matter. Even the
ones who push people away do so out of fear of rejection. We have all been there.
It is sad that every human alive has experienced moments of
self-doubt and low self-worth so powerful that running away seems the only
logical choice, but it is a common experience.
We did it as children when we threatened to run away from our parents,
and we all still experience it from time to time even today.
What I ask in these moments is for you to stop and think
about what you are specifically running from.
I would wager that it is not all of humanity. Rather, it is more than likely a certain moment
in time that went the opposite direction you hoped or expected it would.
Learn from these moments.
Take a step back and ask yourself why they went the way they did. Did you hope that your crush thought about
you the way you think about them, even when they hardly know you? Did you hope for an invite to an event even
though no one knew you actually wanted to go?
Did you expect an instant connection with someone who believes that the simple
act of opening up to another person is a risk?
Life is truly about lessons.
It is about us stepping back and learning from what happened in any
given moment. Most important, it is
about us learning to tell the difference between what we control in that moment
and what we don’t.
Trust me when I say that not everything is going to go as
you hoped it would; life is not supposed to be easy. We would not grow to become our best self if
everything was handed to us. All of us
are meant to struggle, to have doubt and fear, anxiety and stress. We experience these things because they best help
us figure out not only who we are but also what we truly want out of life.
Every person possesses the power to make the world a better
place. Choose to face and understand
your pain instead of hoping for a miracle to come knocking on your door. This means leaning on and opening up to
others; just know that sometimes the ones we choose to lean on are not strong
enough in that moment to support our weight.
Whenever this happens don’t give up. Instead, keep searching. I promise that the world is full of people
willing to help. It just so happens that
sometimes you need to do the work necessary to find them.
6 comments:
I’m an escapist. In threatening situations, I cower, leave, and turn inward. I usually return after personal reflection, but it is often too late by then; people aren't as patient as I would hope, and I'm not brave enough to admit failure in the moment. In my current situation, I’m having a difficult time determining if I’m running away from something. My solution is to step down from a title I don’t think I can fulfill and do what is necessary to earn back that title. This is seen as running way by some, because instead of keeping the title and working within that title, I'm dropping it; for me, it’s choosing not to pretend to be something I’m not. Say, if I don’t feel like a good friend, I can't accept the title of friend. Part of me feels that I'm brave to admit I'm lost and willing to risk everything I know in order to find growth. Part of me thinks I'm romanticizing a cowardly choice, as if changing your life is another shade of running away. But, either way, I'm thankful for your article.
I would ask, what are you trying to escape from? Though I understand flight versus fight, I wonder, what makes all of those situations so threatening for you? I find it difficult to imagine that you do not deserve a title that has been bestowed upon you, especially in situations where the title can only be chosen by the one giving it.
Using your example: even if you beat and mistreated a friend, if they were (especially after all of this) still wanting to call you a friend, who are you to deny this?
It sounds to me that we are similar, and that we are both far too willing to accept something as a failure. I have begun to realize that the only true failure is the lack of learning from the moment that didn't turn out the way we expected or wanted it to.
I do understand not wanting to pretend to be something you are not, but it sounds to me that this is discussion worthy of the person with whom you disagree. Don't they deserve to know why? And shouldn't they be given the opportunity to convince you of their belief?
You are absolutely brave to admit you are lost for it is a scary admission to acknowledge the unknown, but I would argue that the true bravery comes from letting others in to help you find your way. I am always willing to chat (though rarely check this - sorry for the delay!). aminos12@hotmail.com if easier.
The larger question to ask yourself is, why are you changing your life? What is behind the need/desire to let go of something to become something else? If it is warranted, then embrace it wholeheartedly. If you are doing it because you are fearful of an answer you are only speculating on, well, that doesn't seem fair to anyone. We should always be willing to change our lives, so long as that change is meaningful.
I’m not sure how I feel about titles. I think either participant has to believe in the relationship (friend, lover, parent) for the title to have weight. For example, I may consider someone my best friend when they don’t consider me one back. The title exists for one person but not for the other. I feel as if I can deny the title if I truly don’t support it and therefore feel released from the corresponding responsibilities of that title. I should give the person opportunities to convince me of their belief, but if they can’t, then I feel I must step down.
I wrote this in an earlier blog post of mine, but learning from the moment doesn’t feel good enough for me. It’s the best outcome for everyone, yes, but I always seek a period of time where I exist with my failure before I continue on with my life. I wrote: “I don’t handle failure well — adapting and learning feels futile in light of major betrayal. I may overcome weakness but that weakness still harmed the people I promised to protect. I caused the deepest harm of all.”
I’m changing my life based on warranted needs. I would be staying because I’m fearful of a future I’m on speculating on. So that helps.
Fair point, though I would suggest that it is the hope that the title exists for both. When we run into those situations where our feelings have changed, thus making the titles perhaps no longer valid, is when we definitely can run into trouble. I still believe that a conversation is always warranted, as this best gives all a chance at full understanding and any necessary closure. The worst things in my world are the relationships that just ended, where I have no real idea what changed and why and am therefore left to attempt to piece together my own understanding. It sucks to lose a friend or lover and be even remotely unclear as to why, or worse, know that the relationship has changed in some way, but have no true understanding of to what degree.
Without a doubt I agree that you can remove yourself from any title at any time, I am merely suggesting it is most fair when that decision is understood by both parties.
I am assuming you broke someone's heart in some way, or at least did harm you never intended? I think you are completely right, learning in the moment is not always possible (and I apologize if that is what it sounded like I was saying). The lesson we learn may take YEARS to sink in (as crappy and frustrating as that is), I was more suggesting the openness to the moment as a possible lesson. Please send me your blog address, it sounds like I would enjoy/learn from it.
Glad to hear the change has been thought through, though I am hesitant to condone leaving based upon speculation... The larger question to ask is, how is this choice going to affect your life, and are you okay with this?
My blog is http://jennifermhartsock.wordpress.com. Thank you for such thoughtful responses. Although we are strangers, I appreciate your contribution to a student-run paper I not only endorse, but found acceptance, support, and friendships.
I will continue to consider your last comment; I know it will serve me well.
Thank you for the conversation. I appreciate that you are willing to converse with someone you don't know, I hope that it helps in some way. Worst case, know that the insights and discussions helped me.
If you ever care to sit down and talk at more length, just let me know. I am always down for conversations of depth. The world is in need of more of these I feel. Though, after reading your blog, you may have to force yourself to talk at a more remedial level than you are used to. =-)
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