Waiting is a game of patience, a game I often lose... (Family Part 2)

And so I sit and wait... for a note, a letter, an e-mail or a phone call, though I really hope that it is not through the phone that my biological parents first look to contact me as it leaves far too little wiggle room. I cannot really fathom the conversation. I mean on one hand it is simple, ask and answer, but what happens if they are as blunt and intrusive as I.... Guess that could explain a lot.

I have, more than once, gone over how the conversation may go. Worst case they are living together in a double wide and are hoping that I have made a name for myself and would be willing to trade cash for the knowledge that without them there would be no me, or, perhaps worse, one needs a kidney (I hear they are valued around $15000 these days). Lord knows I could be guilted into giving one up.

Best case they are professionals in fields they not only enjoy but also excel at, happy with life and wondering if the child they begrudgingly gave up at 15 has experienced a life that was not only happy and rewarding but full of questions that they may provide answers to.

To recognize that I have biological parents (a fact that, though so basic in nature as to never be questioned, still eludes me from time to time) is to recognize that I may have a half brother or sister, or maybe even a slew of them roaming this earth. I have never had a biological connection to anyone before. This is the strangest thing to me. Everyone I seem to mention to that I am curious as to what it would be like to experience a biological basis for connection seems puzzled. I think that most people forget that what they take for granted is often the most puzzling for some.

And yet, through it all, it is odd to me that I really don't feel much right now, no real anxiety, trepidation, excitement or happiness. Perhaps this is due to the surreal nature of the whole experience, or for that matter, my entire life as I see it right now. I lost connect with the world a few years ago, the passing of dad loosening the tethers even further.

Nothing I experience feels real and that is a scary place to be. It is easy to recognize the turning of the world around me, my role in it with all of my responsibilities and my choices but, more often than not I don't really ever FEEL, just see. And that is the oddest thing, I know how it is supposed to feel, I know the emotions that one would expect to experience, but, seldom do the expectations match the reality.

In some way I hope that this experience will serve as a reconnect, on the other I am scared to death it will just add to the lack of feeling. Either way, I am have a chance to meet the people for whom I was based... Cannot be a bad thing, can it.....?