Getting lost in someone April 8-16

While I understood the reasons for my return - a need to clear my head, attend the wedding of an ex-player, and see Katie - flying back into Portland just eight days after starting a three month trip I felt a bit like a dog who had lost a fight, tail tucked sheepishly between my legs. I was just starting to understand the reasons behind my trip and was finally becoming more comfortable with Bessie and the thought of having to fix her on some deserted road no longer scared me to death.

Not having seen Katie in over a week, and our relationship being young and held loosely together by daily text messages and phone calls, I expected nerves to surface once the plane touched down on the tarmac. They never came as the knowledge that she was as excited to see me as I was her set my mind at ease and I was thankful that she had agreed to pick me up at the airport after her class.

Seeing her little white Corolla weave its way through traffic at the arrivals section of PDX, I wondered briefly the protocol for meeting her: was I supposed to give her a huge hug and kiss, did she want me to drive, what would be appropriate in terms of saying hello? She pulled her car over to the curb at my feet and I threw my gear in the back, hopped in the passenger seat, and gave her a kiss. Our lips lingering just long enough to express how much we had missed each other and to say hello but not long enough to cause an outburst of horn blasts from impatient and weary travelers.

We sped back to Corvallis, bouncing along joyfully on worn shocks over every bump, her lead foot seldom letting off of the accelerator. We talked easily of life and the trip, the conversation flowing without thought or pause. When we finally arrived I felt worn down, the long day of travel draining me and we bee lined for bed and drifted into a peaceful night's sleep wrapped tightly around each other.

Upon waking up I wondered if my fatigue may have been a coping mechanism from a conversation earlier in the week with my most current ex. While in San Francisco at Lewis and Kelly's, my ex and I had our first real conversation since a bitter breakup months earlier. Her telling me she missed me, while at the same time saying all was well in her life and current relationship, brought to the surface more emotions than I had expected and the remainder of my time in The City I found myself going over the relationship in my head. When I added into my thoughts the visit to another ex in Pasadena, I found that I had become focused on understanding what I had been a part of for so long instead of what was right in front of me.

This quickly changed during the week spent with Katie as the ease of our relationship and her ability to both challenge and calm me in the same conversation kindled a spark that grew daily. For the first time I could recall in a relationship I was able to work towards understanding instead of arguing. If something was amiss we did not immediately argue, instead we talked until we could understand where the other was coming from, if I had somewhere to go or someone to see she pushed me out the door instead of begging me to stay, when I questioned myself or came up with excuses she was there to ask me why and challenge my reasons and rationales.

Sleeping next to her was so cozy and easy, our bodies fit together like worn puzzle pieces, and being with her slowly became the most comfortable place in the world. I took her to Casey and Lisa's, as much to show her off as to get their opinion, all the while fearing that she would feel out of place or nervous, but she fit in like an old friend visiting again after a few years. It is comforting to see the person you want to spend all your time with completely at ease in their own skin and confident in who and where they are in their life.

We dined on steak and gorgonzola, Casey the cook using us as guinea pigs, and chatted the night away while entertained by their three daughters: Josie, Ava and Bella. Josie was a typical one year old, laughing and smiling and loving on mom and dad; Bella, their beautiful five year old, loved having new people to talk to and entertained herself by making us all laugh; Ava, three and not yet like her sister, finally worked past her angst over new people, and no longer stared in fear at Katie like a deer caught in headlights, and instead smiled and begged for her attention.

The true reason - or at least the one I had conveniently convinced myself of - for coming home was to attend Bri's wedding in Seattle, but a miscommunication in reference to an RVSP left me without a name card and therefore no seat at the wedding. Instead of standing around like a stalker in the back, the only guy without a seat, I left and drove north to my mom's house, stopping in Marysville at Jack in the Box for a cheeseburger dinner made and served by characters straight out of the movie Deliverance - whatever remaining teeth they possessed black as tar, both looking like a cross between brother and sister and lovers. Lamenting the fact that I missed out on lobster and steak in favor of food I prayed would not crunch when I bit into it, I drove in silence, wondering what had caused my current situation and left me driving in a tie and slacks without a party to go to.

Though I missed the wedding, the timing was great because I was home for Easter and could see my mom again. As well, I was able to see my brother and his family. This trip brought with it a pleasant surprise as mom is smiling again for the first time since dad's death, closer to happiness than I have seen her in two years, and can finally talk about dad without crying. This hurdle she has cleared is so amazing to witness, she has suffered through so much pain and sadness caused by the loss of her rock of 42 years so abruptly to pancreatic cancer.

It was great to see Pete and Jenn again and I learned that they are moving back to Japan in September. This decision makes both of them happy and ends a long standing argument of where to live as Washington never suited Jenn and both are used to the comforts of a home in the Far East. Their kids will enjoy living there as well as Mathew is now old enough to appreciate living abroad and Ethan is privy to happily follow along in Mathew's footsteps.

While the trip north was relaxing and invigorating, it was great to come back to Katie and I could feel the connection between us growing a little more each day. To realize the true extent of her character and how genuine of an individual she is was amazing; while she was intent on taking care of my every little need and want, it was done not to appease, rather it was a true desire of hers to see me happy. More importantly, while she wants to take care of me, she is also willing to understand that I desire to take care of her as well and is able to allow me to do so. For her to think she has to cook dinner as well as clean the dishes afterward has been a daily struggle for us as I argue that she needs to allow me to help. Though she is slowly acclimating to my assistance I think she is liking the partnership.

We spent our remaining few days watching TV, sleeping, playing video games, talking and laughing. Leaving for the plane was harder than I could have ever planned for as the desire to stay safe and comfortable here in her presence tried again and again to trump my desire to travel the country and find myself. I left with a heavy heart but confident in the knowledge that I would be stronger upon my return.