It seems all I have been doing the last few days is driving.
Once out of New Mexico, just East of the border into Texas, the terrain flattened out and hasn't hit a bump since. Sure, they have some mountains here, though I think anyone who has stepped foot anywhere West of Colorado can tell you that their mountains are more hills, and small ones at that.
I have driven through the dry and the heat of Texas, never straying any further south than hwy 40 - my goal to make it through this dusty land as fast as possible - and headed north into Oklahoma and Kansas, the lower 48 in their entirety driving me.
While it is true I stepped foot in Kansas, I have a hard time saying I have really seen the state as I hit a point 10 miles north of the border and U-turned it southeast back towards Oklahoma. When you can look straight ahead and see nothing in front of you but grass, cows, clouds, and the horizon, you know that it is time to head for something a little more scenic.
All the days have seemingly melded together, much like the landscape - if there weren't convenient little state signs I would have no idea where one began and one ended. I cannot fully recall where I have been, or at least not in what order. I recall various camping spots, can tell you what I have seen and what was special about each, but I cannot fully recollect the when of it all.
I wish I could say it was due to the drink or the drugs, but neither I have had so I have to blame it on the mind and its prediliction to wander. I have had so much time to think but have found that worry occupies most of my time.
The worry centers mainly about Bessie - being a Westy she loves to act up and, seemingly no matter how much money I pour into the gas tank and its various fuel line components, she still wants to have fits. So I'll let her. She and I have come to an understanding finally - I won't fret so much about the lugs and bumps, knocks and pings, and in turn I won't ride the accelerator so hard nor push her so far each day.
This of course brings me, in a round about way, to my other focal point of worry: why am I here? Not the cosmic what is my life about (though, with all of my other thoughts and posts I am sure that is where most of you went) rather, why am I headed to all 48 states? What is driving me to take on a task that is maddening in pace and long on solitude?
I know the goal was to see the country in its entirety - even if that does mean one small step in certain areas - and to witness what separates and makes unique each part of this country, but I have found that this has started to defeat the original purpose of my trip.
To get away, to RELAX, and to think - about me, about my father, about my direction for this life - these are what propelled me on this journey in the first place but they are things that I have had little time to focus on as I am more hell bent on fitting everything in, dashing for each state to say I did it rather than enjoying the ones I am in.
And so I am beginning to think that maybe I will head back West, to all of the parks I have missed in my Easterly dash. This will shorten the trip's distance, but there is no plan to alter the time frame.
Perhaps it is longing for the comforts of home, or perhaps we truly appreciate what we have left behind, but I have found that the West has so much to offer, maybe I should spend more time appreciating.
7 comments:
I guess you are finding as you are running(?)/traveling that you can't run far from who you are. Changing backgrounds, landscapes, sceneries just change what you see with your eyes - not who you are in your soul. Time alone to reflect... be still... listen... think... ponder... And you... worry? I ponder, wonder, question if you could just be still and at peace for two whole days. Park at a beautiful spot and just "be." Not hike or move or keep busy. But to sit and listen and "be." What would your soul tell you if you gave it a chance to speak w/o distractions? Is that a scary possibility? What would you discover about yourself if you stopped moving long enough to breathe and listen to what your inner soul has been trying to tell you? I wonder if you could do it......make that a dare!
That is a scary thought. =-)
Actually it is not, it is what I strive for. The problem is I have found that I have no idea HOW to.
Believe me, I have tried, over and over, but my brain will not shut off. It ping pongs all over the place.
Overall it is telling me to listen, the problem is I do not know to which voice.
I'm glad to see from Anonymous's posting that I'm not to only one challenging you to just be, Andrew. I think the prescription to find a place to spend a couple of days sans movement is fantastic! Although, I think if you aimed for smaller chunks of stillness you'd have more success. I would venture to guess that two whole days of stillness would be next to impossible, not to mention utterly torturous. It's pretty unrealistic to think that You of Racing Mind could just flip a switch and find yourself with a still, empty mind.
I think your most honest response to Anonymous was "That is a scary thought." Just because it's what you strive for doesn't mean it's not terrifying. I've been there... and admittedly revisit it more often than I'd like.
How about if you start by NOT trying to shut your brain off, but just let the thoughts flow without latching onto them? without judging them and yourself? And when you find yourself latching on and judging (which you WILL do), notice it and move on. Let your brain ping pong instead of adding a layer of distraction by hating it for pinging and ponging. When you're trying to figure out what voice to listen to, you're judging again. You can listen to them all and choose to neither believe nor disbelieve, nor to act on any of them for the moment. Focus on your body, not your mind.
I know you have the ability to be disciplined. For me, non-moving meditation is one of the very hardest practices I've attempted. Corny as it may sound, I have found that meditation CDs sometimes help because they give me something external to focus on. It takes lots of discpline, practice, and willingness to be extremely imperfect at it and keep at it anyway. Think about what you've told me when I've gotten frustrated with myself learning soccer. How many years of playing soccer 4-6 days a week has it taken me to have at least some days that you say I look like a soccer player instead of someone playing soccer? Be kind to yourself.
Sorry I take up so much space on YOUR blog. I obviously have yet to learn brevity of word. I just hope I can be helpful.
Yeah...what Rica said. Well put, by the way... and I bet pretty close to the truth. But I bet AD can't do even small chunks of quiet, undistracted "be" time. The dare is still on! (And "brevity" can be WAY overrated.)...
To appease the masses (or just the two of you) and for reasons mainly surrounding an unsure engine, I am headed back west to spend some more times in areas that I have missed and areas that I have yet to see. The goal is 50 a day, not 200 (and yes, some of those will be stationary I am hoping).
we'll see, Kemo Sabi. i can understand the non-stop wheels turning...been there-done that.
question - why are you so angry? you mentioned in your post that you were angry at a lot of things. most you can't touch... or control. where does the anger come from? are you generally angry? is it frustation? or anger? don't think of you in this way...except in burst...so where does it come from and why is it there?
perhaps another blog... after you've spent some "be" time....
So, what should we blog followers make of no recent postings? Are you actually getting into some solitude and stillness, or are you imploding? Hmmm, isn't it just like me to suggest one extreme or the other and forget about the middle ground. Many would remind me that most of life is, in fact, in the gray area. So, maybe you're doing neither or both.
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