I heard a few weeks ago about student on campus who committed suicide by jumping off one of the dorms. While I was saddened to hear about it, that yet another college student would choose to end their life when there is so much time and opportunity ahead of them, I was shocked to find out that I knew the kid.
P took a soccer class from me and, by all recollection, he would be one of the last people I could have thought to take his own life. 6' 2" and built like a linebacker, P was a loud and incredibly outgoing individual who seemed to enjoy life to the fullest. I guess I should have trusted my instincts a little more. It seems I had overlooked that many of the loudest people are actually experiencing the most pain.
No one can truly understand why someone chooses to end their lives. Even a note can only begin to explain the reasons but seldom gets to the heart of everything going on. I have heard that some people think that P's death wasn't a suicide, and I can see why they would want to believe this.
While I am incredibly saddened to know that P's life is over, I get it on some level. I have, like I believe almost everyone in the world has at some point, contemplated suicide. We all have our demons and moments in time that feel like nothing will ever change, that there is no possible end to the feelings of hurt, anger, pain, loneliness or sorrow. I get how anyone, even someone like P, could want to end it.
What I wonder though is what made P (or anyone for that matter) actually go through with it? What makes them unable to see that life is not only fleeting but momentary and that, in these moments, anything can happen and everything can be changed?
Perhaps it is my age, maybe my brain has developed enough to allow me to accept this, but the knowledge that my life can change if I am willing to put in the work, has helped me through many a dark day.
There is always a better option to suicide, even if you cannot see it right now. No life in set in stone, no pain or sorrow everlasting. It is up to YOU to let go of the pain. No one else can control your life (not if you don't allow them to). Though letting go is not always easy, especially if pain has become your norm, it can be done. NO ONE deserves to be unhappy.
Start by getting to the heart of how you truly feel and why you feel this way. Get out of your own head and allow others to help. A friend, a teacher, a counselor, anyone you feel comfortable talking to or trust can be a great option. Though you may have to talk to more than one person, as not everyone is comfortable opening up about sadness and pain, there is always someone willing to talk and, most important, listen.
Nothing is worth dying over, not if you have the potential for a long and fruitful life ahead of you. If it is a broken relationship that causes you pain, believe me, there are others out there. If it is abuse or poor self worth that causes you to never want to look in the mirror, remove yourself from those that make you feel this way and find others that appreciate who you are and what you bring to this world.
We ALL have strengths, we ALL have purpose, we ALL make a difference in the world around us. Don't ever forget that you are important to someone.
In all of this the greatest realization I have is that I need to trust my own instincts. Even in his happiness I could sense struggle in P. I never took the time to talk to him more than just cursory conversation in class. That is on me for I could have (and should have) done more. We all can. Trust yourself if you sense something in someone, the worst that can happen is that remind them that someone cares.
While the loss of a life is truly a waste, hopefully this moment in life will not be wasted. Hopefully P's death makes us realize that even though every life has pain, any life can be changed.
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