To drive along the coast at night is to miss the point; the curving, windy roads sapping the journey's joy for anyone not driving a car geared towards performance over practicality. Since the statement my van makes is far from anything race inspired, as dusk started to fall and the ocean views faded from sight, I began the search for my night's resting spot. Though the 1 provides ample stops my neurotic quest for lessening the distance between me and my end goal of San Diego would not let me release my foot's weight from its firm plant on the accelerator and I continued south, and unknown need guiding me.
I finally pulled over and out of divine intervention or blind luck, the open area I had come upon was straight out of a Jamie Williams Grossman painting. It seems that the earlier lamentations over missed opportunities had given way to fortuitous karma. Perched high on a cliff the grove of trees overlooked moon drenched waves, their white crests glistening in a symphony of silvery light as they crashed endlessly into the shore. This spot had been well thought out by some weary traveler or forward thinking highway patrolman as the middle three trees in the grove had been cut down to provide not only a window to the ocean below but the naturally contoured chairs perfect for the hours of reflection its beauty elicited. 
Spending the night high above the ocean I was struck with the realization that things sometimes work out as they are meant to and that to spend my days focused on these moments is far more productive than focusing on their counterparts. My only true lamentation from this night was that I did not have a camera capable of capturing the pictures that my eyes could see as the white froth bouncing off the moonlight endlessly was captivating, brilliant in contrast of black on white and clean in beauty. I woke to the sounds of other travelers intent on witnessing the same beauty that was etched into my dreams and pulled my chocks for a quick jaunt to Santa Barbara. The forests of green gave way to mansions of white as I turned onto Cabrillo Street around 12:30 excited to see Cas again, nervous that the years between visits would have lessened the bond but comfortable knowing that the ease of conversation had never worn off.
As it is with those few close friends in our lives with whom time's significance ceases, upon seeing her the years collapsed into days. Dressed in the stark blue designer jeans and silver striped Yves St. Laurent shirt of a woman who has found her way and place in a setting of wealth, she hugged me warmly, her nervous energy quickly replaced with a sigh of relief as she realized I cared more about relaxing than status. Sinking into her couch, her tired eyes giving away her late night out, we talked of the world and our place in it, from finding your niche to loves come and gone. We talked as we sat and planned a day of fitness for both mind and body, the goal a hike the top of Inspiration Ridge, a vantage point high above the beauty and pretentiousness of Santa Barbara. With Cas the one constant you could expect was a desire to be loved, a personality befitting a Scorpio and a love of change guiding her through couplings long and short. Our afternoon was spent talking about our current relationships, hers to a 31 year old horse vet who's cowboy sensibility and roping ability had captured her heart - as within months she was talking of love, looking and thinking about a future with man she hardly knew, her true desire for love and stability answered for the time being - and mine to a girl who's youth and beauty was sure to give me fits but who's mind and penchant for challenging my self-depreciation provided my own thoughts of future.
The day had been perfect, a physical and mental reprieve from the daily grind of driving, and the hike and conversations provided much needed exercise for my soul. I left that evening with another smile on my face, friends again reminding me of the importance of connection and drove along the coast for what would hopefully be another karmaic intervention.
8 comments:
Your writing voice has changed over the past months. Is this your "real" voice or your "I'm-getting-ready-to-write-a-book" voice? ...cause the AD I know doesn't talk like this. Course the AD I know may not want to write in that voice all the time... i'm just sayin'... I like the info but the flowery descriptive stuff is kinda lame sometimes, bro...
Good question. Gotten too far away from writing with now access... Trying to figure it all out. I will try to get back to real, easier to write and a much better read.
You write just fine...you may find it changes as you change....no more time frames, no more alarms, no more routines. Let it flow however it comes out. If you try and analyze it too much you'll loose the heart of it. There are editors for the rest of it when you get to that point. lafm
yeah - just sound like you and not like someone who you want to sound like. go with that.
Santa Barbara has a great climate. Obviously lots of other people with lots of money think so too, making it less accessible to us regular folk, and for me, making it less appealing.
You have me wondering with whom I would want to spend time talking, soul searching, being if I were to take a similar trip.
Two questions: When you briefly recount your conversation with Cas about your current relationships, you say that the woman with whom you're now involved has "a penchant for challenging my self-depreciation [and that it] provided my own thoughts of future." Do you mean that she challenges your negative self-talk? How does that call forth thoughts of your future?
I find I must always be wary of relying on others for my fundamental sense of "being okay." When I ground myself through someone else, I put myself on very precarious footing. At certain times and in certain areas, I spend far too much time teetering atop an unpredictable foundation.
Through her challenging she shows me that she cares enough to want to make me better and to make me see the positives not only in life but in myself.
Precarious footing is still footing, you just need to work to get a tighter handhold. =-)
Thanks for the clarification.
Here's what I was trying to say. I agree that it's an enormous gift to have people in my life (particularly a special someone) who care enough to want to help me see myself and life more accurately, more hopefully, more optimistically.
For so many years I believed primarily negative things about myself. I am fortunate that I always had people willing to contest my convictions. It occurred to me somewhere along the way that even if I didn't believe the positive things people said about me or see the good qualities they saw in me, I could believe that they believed them to be real. I began to trust them enough to believe that they were telling their truths. Over time, I have managed to internalize much of what others said; that internalization has been of vital importance.
Yes, precarious footing is nonetheless footing. For me personally, the tighter handhold has to be on something within rather than on something or someone outside of me. I guess, and again this is just my experience, it boils down to becoming able to care enough about myself to allow myself to see and believe the positives even when externals might call them into question.
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