Monday, March 23, 2009

Blogging

Why do I blog? This was a question, though valid, that blindsided me a few weeks ago.

A long time friend who's opinions I not only value but seek was asking out of curiosity and a small amount of bewilderment, the idea of blogging being as foreign to her as the act of sharing an ice cream cone with a sibling is to a five year old. She wanted to know how I could be comfortable airing all of my personal laundry in a venue accessible to anyone with a computer.

I had never really thought about it - my only questioning of this practice was in response to a self created aversion to having to admit to being a blogger - and struggled to come up with a simple explanation. It was during the process of formulating my response that I was struck with the curiosity as to why it is a practice more questionable than common, though I suppose the extent of the freedom with which I divulge my thoughts does beg the question.

While I understand the inherent desire to keep one's private thoughts away from public opinion I wonder why so many people are afraid to share their stories; it is almost as though most people either do not feel they have an experience worth sharing or struggle with the belief that they have an adequate voice. It seems to me that happiness and understanding in life is created through connection and connection is increased through commonality. This being fairly true, what better way is there to assist others in their journey than through these shared stories as stories make us laugh and cry; stories can put into words emotions we cannot voice and can help us understand our own feelings.

But I digress as all of these thoughts are in avoidance of the question itself. So, getting past the questioning of the question, I do suppose, on the basest level, the reason I blog is to feed my ego.

While I do use blogging as a means to organize and substantiate the thoughts that spend hours swimming around in my conscious mind in an attempt to gain understanding, it is the desire to hear people's responses to these thoughts that truly draws me to the practice. A secondary goal of my ego houses the hope that I am capable of one day writing a book or two and, thus, I use this outlet to hone my rough voice and gather the opinions of others about what is readable and what is gibberish (and, please, if anyone wants to be my editor, let me know as grasp of grammar and punctuation eludes me like a dropped garden hose at full pressure).

I have found through this whole process that others' opinions have provided the biggest enjoyment for me; my favorite opinion has been geared towards how unexpected my voice and thoughts are to the readers. I suppose being lost in my own head for so long I had thought that judgment passed on the cause of my quiet and confused nature was easy to ascertain, I sense now that the judgments passed may have ranged much father outside of the realm of "philosophical dilemmas" and am curious - and perhaps a bit scared - as to people's initial thoughts about who I am.

Another digression aside, I have found that while searching for an adequate way to respond to a simple question I came across a complex process (and yes, I am aware that this may have to do more with my nature than with anything). I have also found that, though difficult at times, this process is one I would be remiss to trade as the insights I have received into others has been invaluable.

And so I ask, what do you have to say, what stories in your life have provided you comfort and guidance? Maybe they can help others - or at least provide us amusement in their read. Why not share? Blogging is simple, and you don't even have to be as egotistical as me to start.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

It must run in the family....my life is an open book, and the more readers i have turning my pages the better :)

Anonymous said...

So, you blog to feed your ego, to lend some form and substance to thoughts which otherwise clang around incessantly in the confines of your mind, to solicit responses from others including insights better accessed from a distance, and to sharpen your voice.

I believe all that, but I don't believe any of it is as nakedly true as the connection to which you refer in a previous paragraph. Though you don't actually say it, I think you blog because you desperately want true connection and deeply fear such intimacy. By blogging, you're "in control." You can decide just how much you want to reveal. You can decide whose comments you take to heart. You can even decide whether to exclude someone from participation. You can express appreciation for or admiration of our comments without revealing anything more about yourself. You can stay in your head and protect your heart.

I think you have received so many responses that betray others' surprise at your thoughts and voice not because people think you're "someone else," but rather because they have no idea who you are.

You are skilled at establishing a type of intimacy so long as you have a "role" to play - coach, teacher, counselor, mentor. These qualities seem to come naturally to you, and they are gifts you have been generous enough to share with others. They have allowed you to provide caring and genuine support to others.

True intimacy is a two-way street. I have known that intellectually for years, but I now wrestle with it in my heart. I certainly do not want intimate relationships with all friends or acquaintances in my life. I believe that if I wish to experience intimacy as an equal, to forge deep friendships, or to build yearned-for connections I must bring all of who I am to these relationships.

I will close with a caveat. I believe I have some of the same qualities you have, and some of the same fears I think you have. That said, I am willing to admit that it is entirely possible that I am simply projecting my "self" onto you. Speak up if you think that's the case. If so, I'll copy my blog comments and send them to myself so I can take in my reflection bounced off you.

By the way, if I were editing your post for publication, I would tell you your last sentence should read "...and you don't even have to be as egotistical as I to start."

Hope your travels are going smoothly, that your 67 hp engine has been up to the challenge, and that you are enjoying your own company.

I really like how you described your friend's bewilderment about blogging as analogous to a 5-year-old sharing her ice cream with a sibling. I also got a kick out of you characterized your self-professed mastery of grammar and punctuation.

RA

Anonymous said...

Wow! I gotta say - I agree with Anonymous. Well said. And I would guess pretty close to the truth.
Unless you can say the things you blog about to someone you deeply care about face-to-face, you will never really experience true intimacy.
Dance close to the flame - feel the warmth and light - yes, you may get a bit singed once in a while, but it's well worth the risks.
I wish you well but mostly I wish you moments where you have to take a deep breath and jump...

AD said...

I fear that you all pegged me a little, or perhaps it is an easily seen character trait.

Connection in this world, especially one of an intimate level is something many of us struggle with, myself especially. We all have excuses, mine happen to surround trust issues and are things I definitely hope to work on and perhaps overcome while on the trip.

I do not know that it is a control issue that I write of such emotionally open thoughts, rather I like the idea of sharing a bit. I know that the vast majority of people who read this are people I know and care about, so the risk is minimal. Besides, to write the book I would like to I have to get used to it.

RA... I cannot place the initials so I cannot speak to projection. I would have to venture that there may be a little of that involved, but you hit the nail on the head so I am thinking it is more truth than anything.

Thanks for the edit and the feedback, I appreciate the honesty and compliments.

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