Life catches up to you quickly; this is something I am learning more and more each day. No matter how much I feel like I have prepared for this trip I find myself doubting and questioning my decisions each and every day.
My initial departure date of the 23rd came and went, a screw-up at the DMV causing me more headaches than I could have prepared for and more excuses than I knew what to do with. It seems that possessing the knowledge of a departure date that was being pushed back daily caused me to drag my feet more and more, my mind coming up with reasons and rationales that, though valid, were the product of an unsure belief in myself.
Thankfully I have a friend, Katie, who, while battling with her own mixed emotions about my being gone for three months, has been one of my greatest supporters. Through her daily ascertations she has reminded me that this is an important step in the journey of my life and one that I need to be sure to embrace and believe in. Katie kept me in line, shopping with me in various stores - nothing like a few Costco runs to overpack a van and underpack a wallet - and even went so far as to sew the most difficult but sweet fruit basket into the roof of my van.
With her sarcastic but honest support I set Saturday the 28th as D-day understanding that no matter what excuse I could muster it was just that, an excuse. The longer I waited the more anxiety I was creating.
The week of preparation went on and before I knew it Friday night had come and gone. Waking Saturday with the knowledge that I still had a multitude of minutia to take care of I tried to organize, tried to get it all done, but the hours kept ticking away. I knew I needed to be gone by 3 in order to arrive at my buddy AJ's house in Bend at a decent hour but wouldn't you know it, the 3 o'clock hour came and went and I still had to stop by my best friend Casey's house to return his De La Soul album. Will the excuses never stop?
At 3:30 I finally gave up on organizing knowing that if I did not leave now I would find a way to stay another night. And so I packed all the little piles in my room, throwing them all haphazardly into the van, and booked it over to Casey's. 10 minutes later I was watching Casey amble up the street to chat briefly with his neighbors - his gift of gab always on high alert - and spent a couple of minutes talking with two of his daughters and his wife Lisa about my trip and my van.
I have always hated good byes as I never know what to say, especially since I know I will be back in town before long. I gave them all a hug and said good bye, the knowledge that I forgotten many things trying to again lure me into remaining put.
All I needed was to take that first step, hop into the van and drive. Finally believing, I hopped in and drove out through Albany, watching as familiar landmarks passed me by for the last time. Even though my trip was finally beginning it hadn't really sunk in that this was it, my journey had finally begun - though a couple of times while caught up belting out a Johnny Cash tune I did realize that his songs of freedom now applied to me.
7 comments:
Well, I guess this accounts for not writing a whole lot about "the present" of the trip yet. I have amazed myself with my ability to attribute my inertia to external barriers only to find that once those are removed or minimized, I create more barriers (read excuses) without hesitation. In reality, it's the internal barriers that prove most daunting.
I contemplated a decision for some years, and repeatedly talked myself out of pursuing it because of financial concerns. How would I afford to do it? That was fear masquerading as responsibility. It would not be responsible to reduce income and increase debt. So, I remained a responsible, mature, aching adult.
When the finances were removed as an issue, I panicked. I frantically dug for more evidence of the impossibility of following my small dream. I have gone on with following this wish for myself and I still find it scary at times. I still question whether it's the right choice. I still don't know where it will lead me. At least I was given the gift of grace to step out my own way - a little bit anyway. I am without a doubt greateful to be on this path.
Why do you think it has been so hard to get out of the starting block? Anticipation can be torturous, though safe. It's almost as if my mind tricks me into believing I can approximate the adventure by fretting about it. That way I get the adrenaline rush without taking any real risks. That's good enough, right?
Preparing is one of the most insidious, subtle, and seemingly justifiable rationalizations for avoiding acting.
It's like when you're a kid and you have to get a shot. You force your parent to physically drag you into the doctor's office. Once there, you wince, tense every muscle in your body, shed a few tears, and kick in futile protest. And that's while your parent is still checking in at the front desk. In the exam room, your lower lip juts out and curves downward on both ends as if that will hold back the plump tears for one more second. You're trying so hard to be brave. You can't take it much longer. You're ready to completely uncork. You think to yourself, "This is going to hurt soooo much. It'll hurt worse than anything." You blurt out,"No, no, no. I'm not ready!"
Then the nurse calmly says, "Okay, we're all done." Your eyes widen in disbelief. Your facial muscles stand down in relief. Your lip sheepishly retreats and you quickly wipe away the one tear that managed to escape. Able to breathe again, you say, "That's it?" You're almost disappointed that the experience wasn't more harrowing. Almost.
You said you left, "finally believing." That's what faith is all about - believing in things unseen. If we knew what was coming, if there were nothing unknown, there would be no need for faith. To me courage is simply fear accopmanied by a good dose of faith, even tenuous faith.
RA
Oops - Sorry about the typos in my previous comment. I hate when that happens despite my efforts to edit carefully. You mean I'm not perfect yet?!?
RA
there's nothing else like Johnny Cash to set the mood for a road trip. good choice!
This comment goes back to your post on blogging, and it feels important in the interest of maintaining personal integrity and interpersonal honesty.
You said you couldn't place the initials, RA. This being my first foray into blogging, I felt, and still feel, reluctant to "put myself out there." So I have been commenting as "anonymous" and including my initials.
After challenging you on your motives for blogging, I realized I had to challenge myself as well. Why am I so eager to say what I have to say and so resistant to identifying myself?
I fear what I call the flip side of the coin of intimacy - - - rejection. I fear that if you know who I am, you will close the door. In contrast, if I collude with you in establishing and maintaining some kind of pseudo-connection, I don't risk being rejected because I remain to you, others, and myself a disembodied voice. To be "anonymous" is to stay hidden and to betray myself.
If I want to maintain internal integrity and have honest, real connections with people, I have to pull off the mask and accept others' responses, whatever they may be. I have to actually show up as myself.
Though this may seem a histrionic unveiling to those accustomed to communicating this way, it is an important and significant step for me to mean what I say and say who I am.
Rica
Aren't barriers and excuses fun? I am writing more today as I have a down day in San Fran as my buddy and his fiancee spend the day working I will as well (albeit in a much more relaxed and enjoyable endeavor).
Thanks for the revelation, it was beginning to drive me bonkers. I appreciate the trust in you stepping from the anonymous to the actualized. I also very much appreciate the input, it is nice to hear honest and challenging perspectives.
And no worries about typos, I obviously don't.... =-)
And yes, Johnny Cash is the man. No lie there.
Ha! I remain anonymous b/c sometimes when you read a comment/opinion/insight/idea and you DON'T know who it's from you may be more willing to accept it than to say "well, of course, they would say that b/c that's how they think/operate/moralize/twirl. So, I will remain implanted in my anonimity and read, comment as the spirit leads me and cheer you on way. But I have to say - RA - you write well (inspite of typos). Hey, maybe you could start a blog too and we can all follow that as well.
Thanks to "anonymous" for your input on my writing and your suggestion that I start a blog. I agree with your reasoning for remaining anonymous. I just decided for myself that if people did not want to "listen" to what I have to say or open up to me once they knew who I was, it probably wouldn't work to try to have a close relationship with them anyway.
Rica
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