In a little more than two weeks my life will change irrevocably, but it is a change I have needed and dreamt of for the past couple of years, its escape promising me time. No longer will I be on a schedule, no longer will I have any responsibility except to go when and where I feel drawn, my travel done at a leisurely pace allowing reflection granted from the freedom of choice and the solitude necessary to listen.
For the last two years I have watched myself slowly slip away from anything I recognize, the pressures of life and an over analytical mind wrecking havoc. I have needed an escape since the realization that stress has lost any differentiation of level. It is sad to experience a similar level of dread for an incoming phone call as I would the fear of a flunked midterm and it is with this recognition that I have pushed to actually commit to this trip. Commitment being something I have sucked at over the course of my life, I am happy to say I have cleared my first major hurdle.
Knowledge of the sabbatical elicits responses ranging from absolute excitement to sadness; a touch of jealousy, not that I am going, rather that they cannot take my place, seems to ring in the voices of all I talk to. It is with this perspective that I feel the stigma attached to the "trip of a lifetime", my journey seems to have taken on a life of its own in the imaginations of many of my friends.
I know that I am incredibly fortunate to be able to take this time and this journey, especially in an economic climate of belt tightening and sleepless nights and at the cost of a nice down payment on value priced real estate. Yet, while I should feel at complete ease with it, I am stuck with a pervasive feeling of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of coming back to my existence with none of my questions answered, much less narrowed down. I do however take comfort in the knowledge that should I return to no job I will still have my Westy, and with it the bed, stove and fridge necessary for semi-comfortable living.
It is also true that while I speak of the romantic notions of life's callings and finding myself, I also would be remiss to not admit that the thought of never having to set an alarm again has more allure for me than most people can imagine. It seems that the ever present trill of beeps in the morning has slowly been driving me mad but, up until now, the means to make this a permanent blessing has proved ever elusive.
In my pursuit of soundless mornings I have come upon a few options, to become a writer seems to be the most valid and societally acceptable. This of course raises the pervasive question of ability as, to publish the great American novel, for most, is nothing but a pipe dream. It is in this that I struggle with the belief of its possibility, though life seems to have weaved a tale of intrigue and commonality within my existence.
And so I plan to write, the travels of my van and the three months of an alarmless slumber providing me the solitude and inspiration for what hopes to be an interesting tale.
11 comments:
With the ideology of "epic" come epic expectations. The trips your friends' imaginations generate are projections of their own dreams and fears, which have nothing to do with you.
Why do you think you should feel at ease with your decision to commit to this trip? Just because you have logically and analytically gone about planning for it doesn’t mean the prospect and actuality of the trip won’t generate misgivings, doubts, fears. Why do you want to pull yourself back into your pattern of negativity by anticipating or fearing a disappointing outcome before you have even embarked? What if your questions aren't all answered? This isn't an episode of "The Magic School Bus" where great discoveries are made, everyone comes home safe and sound, and it's all wrapped up in 30 minutes without commercial interruption. Maybe you'll find answers to questions you didn't even know you had. Maybe you'll find that you can live comfortably and contentedly in your own skin without having answers.
If being a writer is the most socially acceptable option you've hit upon, what are the less valid and less socially acceptable ones?
Why do you have to write a great American novel to believe you are a competent writer? Skilled, insightful, gifted writers flourish in all sorts of venues.
I am struck by what you said about this trip giving you the opportunity to listen. For me, thus far, it has proven nearly impossible to give voice to my inner compass. It falters so easily when tugged upon by other people's magnetic norths. If I orient myself in accordance with my true north, my whole world will turn upside down. Could happen, but upside down is not necessarily synonymous with disasterous.
Mostly I smother and dowse the embers of my inner fire because I fear that fanning the flames will create an out-of-control burn that leaves in its wake a massive swath of destruction. Wild fires do destroy; they also provide the only mechanism by which some plant species are able to generate new life.
I think you are courageous to create for yourself the fear-inducing, luxurious challenge of walking into the future, which is really always unknown, without the comforting constrictions of routine and familiarity.
RA
Meant to say that with the ideology of "epic" journeys come epic expectations.
RA
No worries on the clarification, followed quite well. Tis true that the comfort of the known is difficult to shy away from but something it sounds like both of us need to do more of.
My lamentation about my friends expectations weren't a true lamentation rather, I think they were a manifestation of my own ideal...
I only wish to feel at ease because, on a base level, ease is exactly what this journey allows, a chance to embark into the unknown with no real agenda save for the theoretical understanding of philosphical ideals.
Can't speak to the other non (or less than) socially acceptable options, got kids reading... =-)
RA, sounds to me that you have a huge decision to make, perhaps you should make the decision for yourself rather than living in fear of what others will think of that decision. Something tells me you will have friends either way.
I definitely appreciate the comments, and the insights, you have a profound grasp of the English language and use it well to strike cords at levels many people are hardly aware of.
As for the out-of-control burn, only if you allow it to. All fires can be contained, just have to know where the extinguisher is.
Hey man.. good luck on your trip.. it sounds truly electrifying and scary at the same time. I wish you the best in your travels and your search for your dream hottie!
keep it real and be easy!!
Josh F
Lose the brain...simple as that.
You think I am joking but I am not at all...simply lose the brain and just be in the moment.
Amen to Kelley and Lewis...I say nay to "theoretical understanding of philosophical ideas." You're already a pro at that. Breathe, be present, and FEEL
From reading your blog I think you could not only write excellently but if published would be something that I would be extremely interested in reading!
Love you coach.
-Grossy
Crazy. Getting to know you (as much as I've had the opportunity to)over the past 6 months I didn't realize what kind of person you actually were. I tend to see a lot of similar things in me. I'm a deep thinker myself, and love philosophy. I wish I had the opportunity to just get away. Be left alone to my thoughts and and not have a worry in the world; get a chance to find myself. Never knew we had so much in common. But, good luck on your trip. Have fun. Hopefully you're able to accomplish everything you want to accomplish. You better be able to... If we really do have these kind of things in common your success could mean inspiration.
ANDREW!!! I had no idea you were such an incredible writer---let alone had this "deep" side to you. :-) I am truly impressed. I've only read a few posts (as time has not allotted more) but look forward to the many others.
Abby Bell (Bain)! Hope you, Dennis and the kids are well!
Thanks all, I appreciate the feedback. Please feel free to keep me posted on any thoughts generated. Negative, positive, no matter I take all to heart (in a good way).
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